
š° Support my bullshit for $2/moš°
This weekās question comes to us from Mike Jacobsen:
I love Radiohead. My wife, on the other hand, really hates them. We have come to an understanding that their music wonāt be played in her presence. So my question is how do you convince your spouse of the virtues of Radiohead?
You donāt.
Iād encourage you to respect the understanding you claim to have reached with your wife, both in letter and in spirit. Cause right now youāre looking for a way to break that understanding. Youāre using a ceasefire as an opportunity to find more ammunition, and I donāt want to help with that.
I will of course help you, but not in the way you were hoping to. Which is kinda the lingua franca of this newsletter. (Look at me, getting fancy!)
The bigger issue here is that you believe your spouse is wrong. That the virtues of Radiohead would just reveal themselves to her if she were to open her mind, or listen more carefully, or adjust her taste levels, or fix herself in some way as to make the undeniable virtues of their music obvious to her. Which is bullshit. Sheās not wrong in not liking a band that you like, and youāre not wrong in liking a band that she doesnāt. You like different stuff, and not only is that okay, itās necessary in a relationship. Part of being together is having things that you enjoy doing by yourself.
I get that youāre trying to share something you enjoy. Thatās a nice thing to do. You love a thing. Itās brought you good feelings. And you want to share those good feelings with someone you care about. You want them to enjoy something as much as you do. Thatās commendable. Iād encourage you to keep doing that. Everyone is looking for more things to enjoy, and we certainly need them. And I bet youāve probably recommended a bunch of stuff to your spouse, and to your friends, and to your neighbors, that hit the mark and brought them joy. You should hold on to those victories, and use them as data to build that little recommendation engine in your heart. And Iād also encourage you to remember your original intentāwanting to bring joy to someone you care about. Because thatās the key.
Once your spouse says āyeah, Radiohead isnāt for meā that door is closed. You went in with good intention, which is commendable, but it didnāt work out. It happens. And because your original intent was to bring this person joy, you take the loss and move on. Doubling down and insisting that theyāre wrong to not enjoy something is going to make someone feel bad. Which was the opposite of your original intent, yes? Yes.
Also, youāre making music a chore, which is a sin.
Letās discuss one of the most violent phrases in the English language: āDid you read that book I gave you?ā For the sake of transparency, Iāll admit to once having been one of these people. You come across a book, you decide someone would enjoy it, you give them a copy for their birthday, or Christmas, or just ācause. Then every time we see them we ask them if theyāve read it. What weāre really looking for is an award for having recommended the right book, or the right band, or the right TV show to someone. Youāve turned joy into a point accumulation exercise for yourself.
I was lucky enough that someone eventually told me that every time I asked them if theyād read the book I gave them it made them feel guilty for not having read it yet. Iād turned a gift into a chore and chores making horrible gifts.
I love recommending things to people. Music. Books. TV Shows. Movies. Restaurants. If Iām experiencing joy in something I want to spread it around and tell other people about it. And all those recommendations are made with good intention. Iāve also learned that once you make the original recommendation you need to back off. Either people will try something or they wonāt. (Their lives might not be aligned with trying a new thing at the moment for a variety of reasons.) If they try it they might come back to you and tell you they enjoyed it, and that feels great. They might also enjoy it and not feel the need to report back, which is fine. Your joy should come from sharing a joyful thing, not from the validation that you were correct. But checking back in will always turn your recommendation into a chore, which no one wants.
Speaking of which, let me talk about male friendship for a second here. Because male loneliness epidemic, blah blah. Sure, maybe. But in the past few years Iāve been in situations where I make friends with someone, we get to the point where we exchange numbers and within twenty minutes of shaking hands, talking about getting together for a drink later, or whatever, theyāve sent me a link to a 45 minute YouTube video from anything to making your own beer (I donāt drink) to smelting your own knife (are knives smelted?) to the truth about vaccination (Iām deleting and blocking your number.) Then exactly 45 minutes later theyāll text āWhat did you think of the video I sent?ā My dudes, do not do this. I have watched exactly two videos over three minutes on YouTube, and both of them were sent to me by friends I have known forever. (One was a Bobby Fingers video, one was a 6,7 explainer.) The male loneliness epidemic could be cured if men agreed not to share videos with one another for the first six months of a relationship.
Back to Radiohead. Iām going to do you a solid here, Mike. Because you asked a question about Radiohead and I usually listen to music while I write these newsletters, there was no way to really listen to anything except Radiohead while I wrote. Iām going to tell you something that might be crushing at first, but if you just sit with it for a little while youāll realize what an incredibly lucky guy you are. Ready?
Your spouse is correct.
I started by listening to Kid A, which is ok. Itās passable. There are admittedly a few good songs on it. Then I dove into the deep end and put on A Moon-Shaped Pool, which is⦠not good, Mike. Honestly, itās the kind of music you listen to if youāre sending other dudes 45-minute IPA explainer videos, or shit about the Roman Empire. I lasted maybe four songs. Then I retreated to Amnesiac, which I remember liking when it first came out. Itās better than A Moon-Shaped Pool, but I canāt stress this enoughāalmost everything is.
So if I were you, I would be very happy that your spouse knows what they like, what they donāt like, and is willing to communicate that to you clearly. Iād stop bugging her about this, because she is correct.
I am lucky enough that I live with someone who brings different musical tastes into the relationship. Our venn diagram is music we both like is fairly small, but itās solid. Erika absolutely hates what she calls āsad white guy music,ā which I enjoy. (Enjoy probably isnāt the right word. Itās more like I gravitate towards it sometimes because of a Catholic upbringing.) And while we havenāt come to a stated understanding that it wonāt be played in her presence, if sheās close by and Iām putting on music Iāll try to put on something that I know we both enjoy because my goal is to create a shared space where weāre both comfortable. We have enough music that we both enjoy that I donāt feel like Iām being robbed of my āsad white guy music,ā which I can put on when sheās off doing something else. And Iām sure she pulls out music Iām not crazy about when Iām not around.
We got here by a lot of trial and error. Iāll put something on, sheāll either like it or not, and we go from there. Sometimes sheāll put something on, and Iāll do the same. (Somehow, she likes the Mountain Goats more than I do, which I cannot explain.) Sometimes sheāll get me to like something I was originally closed off to, and we end up at a Lady Gaga concert having a blast. Which is something I wouldnāt have pictured if she hadnāt tried, and maybe twisted my arm a little bit. Iām ok with that.
So what Iām saying is go ahead and try. The gift is in the trying. But the gift is also in the letting go. Know when to let go. For every Radiohead you strike out with, thereās gonna be something you introduce each other to that hits the mark. And the sooner you move on from the misses, the sooner you get to the hits.
But the best gift of all is that I can now stop listening to Radiohead.
š Got a question for me? Ask it! Unless itās another question about Radiohead. I think weāre done there.
š£ The last Presenting w/Confidence workshop of 2025 is scheduled for December 11 & 12. Get your ticket, and treat yourself to two sessions of hanging out with amazing people like yourself.
š Remember those cheap mesh stockings you got as a kid that were filled with candy and cheap toys? I made one filled with zines and stickers and other crap! Get yourself one!
š Donāt forget your Fuck AI sweater. When the bubble bursts youāre gonna make sure yours already looks a lit worn.
š¦ Thanksgiving reminder: you donāt owe your time to people who want your friends dead.
š° Enjoying the newsletter? You can support my bullshit for $2/mo.
š The ceasefire is a lie. Please donate to the Palestinian Childrenās Relief Fund.
š³ļøāā§ļø Today is Trans Day of Remembrance. Please donate what you can to Trans Lifeline. They do the work.












