prodigious reader, chronic forgetter
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Learning to Be Bad Is a Skill

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Every so often, my Muay Thai gym Five Points Academy invites a trainer from Thailand to spend a few months with us, something like an informal residency. These guys are the real deal, often legends in the sport, who help run our fight team and make some extra money offering private lessons on the side.

There’s Arjun Jud, the coach who developed a young Buakaw into a hardbodied world champion and arguably the most famous fighter outside of Thailand. There’s Kongnapa Watcharawit, a golden era legend and icon of the sport—and maybe my favorite pad holder ever. Here’s a clip from my last fight camp way back in 2024.

And lately I’ve been splitting privates with my friend Ray, training once a week with Omnoi Suttamueang, a kinda mysterious but technical southpaw who is always yelling at me to “relax” (or sabai sabai). For New Yorkers who are fueled largely by anxiety and adrenaline this is obviously easier said than done.

Anyway: I had a private with Omnoi last week that was no-joke a disaster. My timing was garbage. He was smacking me in the head with pads whenever my guard was loose. I felt tight, like my neurons were firing at random and my limbs were operating on a different frequency from my brain.

I consider myself a decent learner, someone who can take directions and apply that information to the task at hand with minimal correction, but for whatever reason that morning I was just off. I knew it. He definitely knew it. And so my suck just kind of went unsaid, thickening the air between us. I learned recently that I am an Enneagram 3w2 (lmao), and that Omnoi was getting frustrated with my inability to pick up easy shit was no bueno for my more people-pleasing tendencies. (That I was paying money for the experience of feeling like I was trash certainly didn’t help.)

I walked out of the private that morning a little discombobulated, and I had to remind myself that friction is where the best learning happens; where your brain actually gets rewired, creating actual space to improve.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about while reading the 2021 book The Comfort Crisis: Embrace Discomfort To Reclaim Your Wild, Happy, Healthy Self by the journalist and author Michael Easter, whose podcast is also on Kaleidoscope and is a good hang at a party.

The crux of the book is that our world is designed to minimize friction, thanks largely to modern conveniences like our phones—which can summon dinner, Ubers, people to date, and any song we want with a few taps, and in that easiness, we’re losing essential to who we are.

What I like about the book is it isn’t some floaty argument for going trad; it’s grounded in science, and acknowledges that the world is a better place than it was even a few decades ago.

Still, compared to our ancestors,

“…we don’t have to deal with discomforts like working for our food, moving hard and heavy each day, feeling deep hunger, and being exposed to the elements. But we do have to deal with the side effects of our comfort: long-term physical and mental health problems.

We lack physical struggles, like having to work hard for our livelihoods. We have too many ways to numb out, like comfort food, cigarettes, alcohol, pills, smartphones, and TV. We’re detached from the things that make us feel happy and alive”

And, somewhat relatedly, I found this line particularly striking:

“…as we experience fewer problems, we don’t become more satisfied. We just lower our threshold for what we consider a problem.”

HEAVIES was built on the idea that we do the hard thing in order to become better versions of ourselves. Resilience is kind of a goofy overused word that gives some people the ick, but in steeling ourselves and resisting the causes championed by tech companies that want to pave our brains smooth, we’re adhering closer to a more honest, and hopefully less anxious version of ourselves.

So of course doing the hard thing sucks. And learning how to suck at something: that’s a skill issue. Whether that’s surfing, golf, knitting, Eurostepping, camping in the woods, learning French, or in my case devoting many hours a week to be mid at a combat sport at age 41, it’s in our best interest to feel out of our depth.

Recognizing that is important, I think. Seeking out opportunities to be a beginner at something, no matter how old we are or how old we feel. Learning to be comfortable in discomfort. It’s something I’m still working on.

Thanks as always for reading HEAVIES. Consider becoming a paid subscriber for just $5.62 a month, or the cost of a single cold brew.

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rocketo
18 minutes ago
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seattle, wa
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Stop Asking People to Think Like Planners

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Public engagement works best when residents are experts in their own lives, not amateur urban planners.

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rocketo
1 day ago
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seattle, wa
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doing what you said you’d do

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doing what you said you’d do

The word "accountability" has many definitions that seem to mean roughly the same thing. If I knock your cupcake off the table, I should answer for the harm I've caused. The least I can do is apologize, notice what I've done and acknowledge the fact. But for me, accountability is also a reckoning with the consequences of my actions. When we seek accountability from others, we want them to right their wrongs. We want justice, whatever that means to us. Accountability shows up in so many places that I have been wondering what it means deep down. Why are calls for it so prevalent? Is it standing in for something else, something that we really want?

doing what you said you’d do

Accountability takes many forms in the workplace. Lily Zheng says it's how organizations and their leaders are "held to task" for doing what they say they'll do. A quick online search led me to so many good-advice folks who promised to break it down for me. Accountability in these guides tilted towards managers holding their employees accountable. Some writers offered 5 easy steps for accountability. Others, 10. Still others said we could demand accountability from our colleagues with 7 steps, or 3 steps.

But even when it's not sanctioned, accountability often flows in both directions. The work of a team, organization, or collective asks us to be accountable to each other. Taking on too much might mean burnout or actions we forget to take. Doing something wrong means delaying the next step while we redo that work. We can promise organizational change or better wages, but people will know if we don't deliver. The basic steps of accountability are the same:

  1. Agree on the expectations we have for each other
  2. Deliver on those expectations
  3. If that doesn't happen, settle the consequences

The 10-step process is this but padded out. One of the steps in that guide was, "Thunderbolts!" Choose your own adventure, I guess.

accountability is not punishment

Accountability often stands in for more appropriate words. We may call it justice, but that's another word that's twisted into different meanings. Kate McCord's Harm and Accountability Conversation Seed Packet (pdf) describes another example. She reminds us that people say accountability when they mean punishment. Those aren't the same thing. Accountability acknowledges harm and the impact it's had. It tries to make right what went wrong.

Punishment is more about replying to harm with harm. It can mean revoking a person's freedom (jail) or causing them to suffer (also jail). There's often little to no expectation of repair. Punishment is often carried out by someone other than the person they harmed. "Being punished only means we have to endure the punishment."

accountability is personal

We call for accountability when we feel wronged on a personal or even a systemic level. People within a movement may call for repair when someone acts against our shared values. Communities demand action when their elected officials fail them. In Accounting for Violence, Danielle Sered wrote these 5 key elements of accountability:

  • acknowledging one’s responsibility for one’s actions;
  • acknowledging the impact of one’s actions on others;
  • expressing genuine remorse;
  • taking actions to repair the harm to the degree possible; and
  • no longer committing similar harm.

Sered suggests that in true accountability, a person must hold on to their agency and dignity. It's not possible to force someone to be accountable for their actions. We can't shame someone into remorse for their actions. Who else has ever had to give a playground apology through gritted teeth? It probably feels even worse when it's a kid who has to do it.

I find Sered's framework so universal because of how linked accountability is to harm. Accounting for Violence is a handbook that offers us a way out of systems of carceral punishment. More than that, it's a guide on how we could transform our whole society.

We could all learn new ways of acknowledging and attempting repair for the harm we cause each other. Experiencing harm, committing harm, is personal! It can have an impact on us even when the harm isn't physical. Remedying that harm shouldn't feel impossible or terrifying. Mia Mingus offered a perspective on this that I loved. "What if our own accountability wasn’t something we ran from, but something we ran towards and desired, appreciated, held as sacred?" Instead of nursing old wounds, or avoiding the ones we gave to others, we could give each other the closure we seek?

what we mean to each other

Accountability is at its core about relationships. People are people. We mess up. We stumble onward. A missed chance to repair harm risks the long-term relationships we have with each other. Trust is so hard to rebuild.

Accountability is another word for respect. Through it we show people who we really are, good or bad. We show what matters to us and who matters to us. The seed of this essay began with a screenshot of a TikTok I found (cursed statement). The author wrote,

"True accountability does not seek punishment but healing, and it does not exist without care—care for ourselves, care for those impacted, and care for the futures we are building together. Even when self-love feels out of reach, we move toward accountability with the belief that everyone is capable of growth, worthy of dignity, and deserving of a future rooted in justice and healing, even ourselves.”

Accountability is not a solo project. The person harmed and the person held to account must come to the table. All sides must commit to repair. Through accountability, all sides heal.

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rocketo
1 day ago
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seattle, wa
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The Summer When Everyone Wanted a Good, Good Night

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In 2009, every big hit sounded like a version of “I Gotta Feeling,” by the Black Eyed Peas.
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rocketo
1 day ago
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“it’s a secret song of summer for me: all promise and unpunctured optimism, a feeling of artificial forever that wasn’t meant to last”
seattle, wa
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Frederick Douglass’s Words Are More Relevant Than Ever on US’s 250th Birthday

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Narratives of American “greatness” abound surrounding July 4, but by whom and for whom are they created? As we observe the U.S.’s 250th birthday, I am reminded of the words of James Baldwin, who wrote that, in the true pursuit of justice, one does not lend an ear to those who are invested in maintaining power, but instead, “one goes to the unprotected — those, precisely, who need the law’s…

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rocketo
5 days ago
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seattle, wa
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Elon, Elon, what a killer

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Elon Musk and his apologists are getting upset by people pointing out that his illegal destruction of USAID had resulted in the avoidable deaths of countless people in exchange for no benefits whatsoever. Always both a maximalist and a liar, he’s claiming that no deaths at all have resulted from his termination of extremely cost-effective aid programs. This is obviously false, as systematic evaluation reveals:

Elon Musk really doesn’t want you to say he’s responsible for the deaths of millions.

Earlier this week, Musk threatened to sue Rep. Ro Khanna for charging him with destroying the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) and putting millions of lives at risk around the world:

“There needs to be accountability for Elon Musk,” Khanna said. “You know, they’re celebrating that he created 4,400 millionaires [with his SpaceX IPO], but they don’t talk about the 4.5 million children around the world who he possibly sentenced to death by dismantling USAID.”

In response, Musk called Khanna a liar, threatened to sue, and said he should be in prison.

But Khanna is making a perfectly reasonable claim here. In that quote, he is (carefully) citing a peer-reviewed study that estimated the effects of dismantling USAID. It found that Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) will result in 14 million deaths overall by 2030, of which 4.5 million will be children under the age of 5.

This is probably a high-end estimate, but even lower end projections with different methodologies sit between 670,000 and 1.6 million annual deaths compared to a fiscal year 2023 baseline.

In other words, the toll from USAID cuts seems to be at best around two-thirds of a million people annually1; that’s about as many people as were killed during the Civil War. At worst, Musk is tied to the deaths of 14 million.

If DOGE had managed to cut tens of billions of dollars from the federal budget, Musk and his defenders would certainly have taken credit. It’s bizarre then to disclaim responsibility for the tragic consequences of the cuts they did make.

“But where are the names? Name the names!” Well, here you go [gift link]:

“There is not even a single dead child!” Musk protested on social media. I noted that I had met many families of children who had died — and that’s when he concluded that I was lying.

Musk’s assertion that not a single child died is absurd, yet he doubled down: “They cannot cite a single name of someone who died out of the ‘millions’ they falsely claim have died. Not a single name!”

On X, I began to give Musk some names. Let me elaborate:

Jibia was a 10-year-old girl, ranking third out of 58 students in her fourth-grade class in Rwamwanja, Uganda. Aid cuts meant that the local clinic ran out of $2 bed nets to protect from mosquitoes, as well as anti-malaria medicines. Jibia died of malaria last July, her mother told me outside the family home. Medical records confirmed that, and health workers told me that she would have been fine without the aid cuts: Replacing her tattered bed net with a new one could have prevented malaria, and in any case drugs would have helped her to recover promptly.

Yamah Freeman hemorrhaged while pregnant with her third child in her village in Liberia. The United States had provided ambulances to the local hospital, but the aid cuts under Musk and President Trump meant that the ambulances had no fuel. The strongest young men in the village placed her on their shoulders and raced down the path toward town, shouting encouragement to her as they ran, but she bled to death along the way. Her parents and sister told me about this, and I visited her grave.

Achol Deng, 8, had been infected with H.I.V. at birth in South Sudan but had been kept alive by American-provided medicines costing just 12 cents a day. The dismantling of U.S.A.I.D. and the resulting chaos meant that she lost her caseworker and access to medicines, and soon died of an opportunistic infection, health workers told me.

I could keep going. A Boston University researcher estimated that the aid cuts have cost more than 750,000 lives worldwide. A study published in the Lancet, the British medical journal, forecast that at present rates, the aid defunding will cost 9.4 million lives by 2030.

DOGE would, in itself, suffice to make Trump one of the worst presidents in American history. And all the money in the world won’t make Elon Musk any less of a horrible person and I’m happy that it’s getting to him.

The post Elon, Elon, what a killer appeared first on Lawyers, Guns & Money.

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diannemharris
3 days ago
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rocketo
5 days ago
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seattle, wa
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